


It's Cold

by VelvetPanda



Category: SHINee, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Coping, Depression, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 17:10:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5975065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VelvetPanda/pseuds/VelvetPanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jimin left, he took the sun with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Cold

“It’s cold.”  
Yoongi doesn’t look up.  
“Hyung, you should turn on the heat. Or do you want a blanket? I can get one for you.”  
Yoongi doesn’t respond.  
“Don’t be so stubborn. I just don’t want you to get sick. Please?”  
Yoongi hears his voice, and tries not to feel his heart crack.

 

_They met when Yoongi was being shown around by one of the managers that worked in the building. He was a small thing, considering even Yoongi was taller than him. But while the manager was introducing the two, he had a smile on his face that curled his eyes into moons, and Yoongi fell in love._  
_His name was Park Jimin, and he was one of the choreographers. Jimin said that he would definitely introduce him to his other friends that worked here, so Yoongi wouldn’t be a lonely soul. The manager thanked Jimin on his behalf, and excused them, saying that there was more for Yoongi to see and not enough time._  
_Even after parting from Jimin, Yoongi could still feel his radiating warmth seep through his bones._

 

“Hyung, it’s snowing. Look at how pretty it is!”  
Yoongi glances out the window, pulling the wool blanket tighter over his shoulders. He stares at the falling snow with tired eyes.  
“Do you remember that snowman we built last winter, hyung? I think it was over there.”  
Yoongi can’t help but smile at the memory. After they made that snowman, they marathoned Netflix while drinking hot chocolate.  
“Do you want to go out and play in the snow, hyung?”  
Yoongi breathes on the glass, and draws a picture of the sun in the sky with his finger.

 

_On his first official day of work, Yoongi actually got to meet Jimin’s friends. First was Hoseok, who worked with Jimin in producing choreographies. He had a silly grin and really enjoyed having his arm over someone’s shoulder. Then he met the two vocal trainers, Jungkook and Taehyung. Jungkook said that he started working as a trainer about a month ago, and Taehyung was to teach him the basics until he could manage on his own. They both seemed like two peas in a pod. Yoongi noticed the look Jungkook got in his eyes and the smile he sported whenever Taehyung laughed._  
_Then there was Namjoon and Seokjin, who both seemed a little more mature. Namjoon was in the same department as Yoongi, as a producer. Yoongi was excited to be able to work with him, since he had listened to some of his songs in the past and really enjoyed them. Seokjin was one of the managers for a boy group that the company had made. They were popular, so Yoongi was warned they probably wouldn’t be able to hang out that much, but it was nice to meet him all the same. Yoongi was then invited to eat lunch with them in one of the dance studios that Jimin used. He accepted, of course, and had the most fun he had had in a while. The group was exhausting, especially the kids, but he felt like he was younger again when he was with them._  
_“Yoongi-hyung, why is your skin so cold?” Jimin asked him, after he brushed against his arm sitting down next to the older man._  
_Yoongi shrugged,” It’s always been like that Jiminnie. Maybe it’s because I’m allergic to sunlight.”_  
_Jimin gave him a confused look, and then burst into laughter. Yoongi was almost blinded by his smile._  
_“Hyung, you can’t be allergic to sunlight!” Jimin exclaimed between laughing fits._  
_Yoongi gave in and started to laugh with him, albeit quieter. He stopped once he felt warm palms on his forearm, and stared at the hand, noticing the contrast between the tan of Jimin’s skin and his own stark paleness._  
_“I’ll warm you up then, Yoongi-hyung.”_  
_Yoongi wasn’t one for skin ship much, but he leaned into Jimin anyway._

 

Yoongi hears the doorbell ring. He ignores it.  
“Yoongi-hyung! Please open up. I know you’re home.” A voice calls through the thick wood of the door.  
Yoongi recognizes it. It sounds like Jungkook’s voice.  
Jungkook continues to ring the bell and bang on the door. Eventually, Yoongi comes to terms with the fact that Jungkook is not going to be stopping any time soon. With a heavy sigh, Yoongi gets off the couch, knocking empty beer cans and soju bottles out of the way as he walks to the door. When he opens it, he sees Jungkook, fist suspended midair. The younger blinked, before lowering his arm and taking in Yoongi’s appearance.  
“Hyung.” He finally breathes out. Yoongi blinks at him, then shivers at the cold wind that blows into his apartment from the hallway. Jungkook bites his lip, and twists the ring on his finger.  
“Hyung, please. It’s been months. We all miss you.” Jungkook begins, but Yoongi is already starting to close the door. Jungkook’s hand snaps out, holding the door in place.  
“I know what happened was awful, but please. You can’t keep living like this. Like…like you aren’t even alive.” He continues. Yoongi gives up trying to close the door in favor of leaning on the frame. He wraps his arms around himself, his fingers resting atop each rib.  
“Go see Dr. Lee, or at least let us help you.”  
Yoongi wets his lips with his dry and swollen tongue. He feels so tired.  
Jungkook begins to shake, his face crumpling, “Is this really what you want? Do you think this is what he wanted?!”  
Yoongi flinches, and he narrows his eyes in warning.  
“At least try to forgive Tae. You know he didn’t do anything wrong.” Yoongi laughs at this, cold and without humor. He shakes from the iciness he feels in his chest.  
“Forgive him? It’s Taehyung’s damn fault that he’s gone.” Yoongi whispers. Jungkook’s arm goes slack, and his eyes are shiny with tears.  
“Please, hyung.” He tries again.  
Yoongi closes the door. 

 

_Jimin always loved to hike. He loved nature, he loved the way it seemed to cleanse his soul. He loved the sweat he would build up and the feeling of wind blowing through his damp hair. Jimin made the mistake of forcing Yoongi along on one of his hikes. They made it 3 miles up before Yoongi passed out in the middle of the path, his skin flushed from head to toe. After that Jimin didn’t try to ask if he wanted to go hiking with him. But that didn’t mean he never tried to get Yoongi to start living a healthier lifestyle._  
_“Hyung, you’ve been in this dark room for a week. When’s the last time you ate, huh?” Jimin asked, one hand on his hip and the other holding Yoongi’s headphones. The older man sighed, ran his fingers through his hair and stretched. Jimin winced slightly when he heard the sounds of Yoongi’s spine cracking into place._  
_“Yah, Jiminnie. I still need to finish this test track for the boss. I don’t have time.” Yoongi tried to explain. He watched Jimin furrow his brow and purse his lips in irritation. Yoongi pushed down the urge to kiss him._  
_“When’s the last time you ate, hyung?” Jimin asked again. Yoongi looked at the ceiling in thought, and after a few seconds of silence, Jimin smacked his head. “Hyung, are you trying to die?” He shoved the headphones at Yoongi’s chest and walked out of the room. Yoongi watched him leave, and felt a twinge of guilt._  
_A few hours later, Jimin came back, a box in his hands. He dropped it on Yoongi’s lap._  
_“Eat it.” He said sternly, taking a firm stance. “I asked Jin-hyung to help me make it, so it shouldn’t taste bad.”_  
_Clearly Jimin wouldn’t leave him in peace until he ate, so Yoongi relented. While he ate, Yoongi had to admit that the food was indeed delicious, though it was nowhere near Jin-hyung’s level. When the dishes were cleared, Jimin gathered them up and left, throwing a ‘You can work now, hyung.’ over his shoulder before shutting the door._  
_Yoongi thought that was that, but Jimin always made an effort to show up every day to make sure he was eating. Though Yoongi didn’t like the idea of being babysat, he didn’t do anything to stop him._

 

“Hyung, you should go to the store. You’re out of rice.”  
Yoongi looks at the kitchen before he remembers himself.  
“Hyung, you know you need to keep healthy, right? I don’t know why I always have to remind you. How did you even survive without me, huh?” There’s a sigh echoing throughout the empty room.  
Yoongi drags his fingers through his limp hair and grasps at the strands desperately, hoping that this will stop.  
It doesn’t. 

 

_Min Yoongi first kisses Park Jimin when flowers are falling from trees and the scent of perfume is filling the air. Jimin had dragged him out to the park to feed the ducks. He went on and on about how there was this small white one that never tried fishing and instead just waited for others to throw bread at him._  
_“He reminds me of you a lot, Yoongi-hyung.” Jimin grinned cheekily before he got smacked on the back of the head. Yoongi was smiling too, though. When they finally did reach the pond where the ducks swam and sat down by the shore, Jimin immediately pointed out the ducks he had come to know and name, and the ones he didn’t recognize._  
_“Look look! Suga and Hope are fighting!” Jimin pointed out excitedly. When Yoongi looked over, he saw the white duck trying to take a piece of bread away from a big scruffy brown duck. Suga must have annoyed the brown one too much, since he was promptly dunked head-first in the water by a large wing. Yoongi turned to look at Jimin, who was laughing so hard he threw himself on his back. Little squeaks started to pour from his throat, and Yoongi couldn’t think of anything cuter._  
_Without any thought, Yoongi leaned over Jimin’s body, still staring at his face. Jimin’s laugh died down once he noticed, but he kept a small smile on his face. A flower petal landed on Yoongi’s hand._  
_Yoongi kissed Jimin._  
_Jimin kissed him back._

 

“Min Yoongi? I didn’t expect to see you here.” Dr. Lee Jinki looks up from his computer, surprise all over his face as he takes in the scene Min Yoongi standing in the middle of his office.  
Yoongi stuffs his hands in his jacket pockets, “Hey, doc. I Just kind of thought it was time to get back to work.” He speaks to the ground.  
Dr. Lee nods, and gestures to the chair that sits on the other side of his desk. Yoongi sits down, still looking down.  
“How have you been holding up, Yoongi?” Dr. Lee asks first, gentle, his eyes staying on his patient’s face. Yoongi bites his lip, his knee jumping up and down slightly.  
“I can still hear him, doc.” Yoongi answers finally. Dr. Lee nods, and writes something down on a pad of paper nearby.  
“That’s because you aren’t letting him go, Yoongi.” He says, and Yoongi doesn’t know why he’s here anymore. He just wants to scream and cry and tear this room apart, but he’s been screaming for days, screaming for months. Screaming until he coughs up blood and throws up his grief. He’s been crying until he became nothing but a dry husk of himself.  
“How can I?” he asks instead.  
Dr. Lee smiles, a small smile, and says, “First, you must let your friends back in. They can give you the comfort you need. And when you feel like you need more help, please remember that I am always here for you as well.” Yoongi stays silent, and stands up, suddenly feeling like he is suffocating in this room.  
“Ah, Yoongi.” Dr. Lee calls before Yoongi can leave, “I have a new prescription for you. They should help you sleep better.”  
Yoongi goes back the few steps he took and swipes the slip from the doctor’s hands.  
He crumples the slip in his pocket as he walks out of the building.  
Yoongi doesn’t want to fall into a dark sleep.  
He doesn’t want to stop seeing him in his dreams, as much as it hurts.

 

_“Jiminnie.”_  
_Jimin turned around and is hit with a finger covered in icing. He blinked, surprised, before smiling. Yoongi pushed his finger a little harder in his boyfriend’s soft cheek before he relented._  
_“Cake! Cake!” Taehyung bounced around them excitedly, a box smile on his face. Jin was trying to calm him down._  
_“Happy birthday, our cute little dongsaeng.” Hoseok came up and squished Jimin’s face between his hands. Jimin made overdone cute noises in response, until they both burst out laughing. Jungkook was to the side a bit, a camera in his hands. He was grinning as he watched the little screen, and if he was focusing a little too much on Taehyung, nobody noticed._  
_“Seriously though, Jimin. Hurry up and blow out the candle before the cake melts.” Namjoon urged him, and pushed the cake closer to Jimin’s face. Yoongi stepped behind Jimin, leaning his head on his shoulder and wrapping his arms across his stomach. The younger wiggled a bit before giving in, and settled for his fate of having Yoongi sing Happy Birthday to him in a horribly off-key tone right next to his ear. Once he blew out the candle, the entire group broke into a cheer. He felt a kiss being placed on his neck, and then on the apple of his cheek. He turned his head so he could kiss Yoongi properly._  
_After cake, the group lounged around in the dance studio. Taehyung had tired himself out and was experiencing a sugar crash, so he was asleep on Jungkook’s thigh. Jungkook carded his fingers through Taehyung’s hair as he slept, not minding the drool on his jeans. Hoseok was chatting with him about some trainee who just couldn’t really get the dance right. Jimin was sitting pressed against Yoongi, their arms interlocked and fingers twined together. Jimin was resting his head on Yoongi’s shoulder as they listened to the story of the one time Namjoon tried to help Jin cook._  
_“He didn’t even know how to peel an onion! Eventually I had to make him sit on the floor and mix vegetables for 30 minutes.” Jin complained. Namjoon huffed, trying to look unaffected even as his ears turned pink. Jimin could feel the rumble in Yoongi’s chest as he laughed, and decided it was one of the best feelings in the world, next to the feeling of dancing on stage and Yoongi’s heart thumping faster as they kissed._  
_On the walk back to their apartment, Yoongi covered Jimin’s eyes with his hands._  
_“What? What is it?” Jimin asked, surprised. Yoongi just shushed them and slowly took one hand off, the other stretching to take its place. Jimin stiffened when he felt something slide onto his finger._  
_“Alright then.” Yoongi whispered in his ear, and took his hand away from Jimin’s face. Jimin blinked, blinded a little, before looking down at the simple band around his finger. He gaped at it for a moment, before looking back up at Yoongi, who suddenly looked much more nervous than he did a few seconds ago._  
_“I mean, I know we can’t here.” He began, and Jimin can see his face grow redder, “But it would still be nice, you know? So that way people will know you’re taken, and so we can have at least something, and I mean it’s kind of stupi-” he’s cut off by Jimin’s mouth on his._

 

“Hyung, do you think I should go on a hike?”  
Yoongi tries to block it out as he stares blankly at the soundboard in front of him.  
“Taehyung’s been wanting me to take him on a hike sometime. It would be nice to have someone to actually hike with, instead of having to drag around some grandpa like you.” Jimin’s laugh resonates between Yoongi’s ears.  
Jimin keeps rambling about this new gear he found online.  
Yoongi tries not to cry.

 

_Namjoon came over to their apartment one day and told Yoongi that some producers in America heard their stuff and wanted to work with them._  
_“Not just any producers, hyung. I’m talking about big shots. Ones who had worked with legends. They want us to fly to Hollywood next week to meet up with them.”_  
_Jimin was ecstatic._  
_“This is just what could be your chance to get your name out there, Yoongi-hyung!” He bounced up and down, and had a tight grip on Yoongi’s hands. It would be a dream come true, Yoongi admitted to himself. Working at BigHit for three years was nice, but he had always dreamed of something bigger. After Namjoon left, Jimin started to plan out what Yoongi should pack and babbled about how excited he is for him and to make sure to take lots of pictures and to remember to wear sunscreen because he always forgot to put it on and he has sensitive skin._  
_“What about you, though?” Yoongi interrupted him. Jimin looked up, “What about me?”_  
_“I’m going to be gone for a month, Minnie. Maybe longer. Is that really okay?”_  
_Jimin stared at him for a moment before crawling up and settling on Yoongi’s lap. The older man placed his hands on his hips, thumb tracing a hipbone._  
_“I am going to be just fine, Min Yoongi-sshi.” Jimin said, and placed a small kiss on the tip of Yoongi’s nose. Yoongi grinned up at him before stretching out and kissing him properly._  
_“Besides, Jin’s probably going to smother me at work, I still have our duck children at the park, and Tae really likes going on hikes with me, so I don’t think I’ll be too lonely.” Jimin reassured him in a soft voice, breath puffed out over Yoongi’s lips. He hummed, and then fully processed what Jimin said._  
_“Are you sure you should hike when it’s snowing?” he asked, worried. Jimin laughed._  
_“Don’t worry, the forecast says it’ll stop snowing after two more weeks.”_  
_Yoongi narrowed his eyes, still skeptical, until Jimin pulled him in for a kiss again._

 

Yoongi tries his best to avoid the dance room.  
He meets up with his friends, and tries to go back to how he used to be. But he still refuses to look at Taehyung, refuses to acknowledge his presence.  
Sometimes he will go over to Jin’s apartment and bury himself in the soft couch pillows and warm cookies that Jin always has prepared. He drowns himself in brown sugar and despair.  
When he gets back to his own cold, empty apartment, he doesn’t really know how to feel anymore.  
“Ah, hyung, welcome home!”  
Yoongi closes the door, and leans his forehead against the smooth wood.  
“How was your day? You won’t believe what the ducks did when I went to visit them today!”  
“What did they do?” Yoongi’s voice is soft, and breaks near the end of his sentence.  
“Yoongi-hyung, are you feeling okay? Do you want something to eat? Jin-hyung taught me a new recipe a few days ago. Do you want to try?”  
Yoongi slides down the door and curls into a ball and sobs into his arms.

 

_Jimin’s face popped up once Yoongi finally got his laptop connected to the hotel’s shitty network._  
_“Hyung!” Jimin called happily, and Yoongi smiled. Him and Namjoon just got checked into the hotel they were staying in for the duration of their trip in LA. Namjoon was on the phone talking to the people who wanted to meet them, and frankly Yoongi couldn’t understand any of it._  
_“Hey, Jiminnie.” Yoongi waved at the screen. Jimin instantly started off by asking questions about America and if Yoongi had packed all the things he needed. Yoongi answered each question dutifully, and in turn asked Jimin about home._  
_“Everything’s exactly the same as when you left it, Yoongi-hyung. I don’t think it’ll change any time soon.”_  
_Yoongi hadn’t expected anything different, but it was nice to ask anyway._  
_“Did you remember your sunscreen, hyung? You know it can get really sunny out there.” Jimin asked._  
_Yoongi grinned and leaned a bit closer to the monitor, “There’s no sun that could compare to you.”_  
_He watched Jimin squeal in embarrassment and bury his head in the blankets covering him. In the distance he heard Namjoon gag._  
_“Min Yoongi, don’t say stuff like that!” Jimin huffed, and Yoongi could see how his cheeks are flushed red even after being filtered by the shitty connection he’s getting. Yoongi thought it was adorable._  
_“Ah, that’s right. Tae and I are going for a hike on one of the bigger mountains. We’ve only been doing little trails so far, but I think Tae can handle it now.” Jimin said after a few more minutes of talking._  
_Yoongi hummed, “Just be careful, okay?” He watched Jimin nod his head jerkily, and leaned forward to kiss the screen. His eyes stung a little from being too close, but he made an effort to see Jimin lean in too._

 

“I hate the snow.” Yoongi tells Dr. Lee. Although he knows the man already knows the answer, he is still asked why.  
“It only takes.” Is what he says in response.

 

_Yoongi couldn’t contact Jimin for three days, and it nearly drove him insane with worry. He had his phone in his hands all the time, and would bounce his knee every time he sat down. Eventually he did get the call, but it was not from Jimin._  
_It was from Hoseok, who sounded like he drowned and was just revived._  
_Hoseok tried to tell him but kept stopping to take a watery breath. Eventually he managed though, and Yoongi dropped his phone on the plush hotel carpet._

 

Yoongi stands in front of the small frozen lake in the park where he first kissed Jimin. There are no ducks now, the place is barren. Snow falls gently, landing in his hair and soaking into his socks.  
Yoongi leans against the small tree that is rooted nearby, and stares at two little notches carved into the bark. It was stupid as hell and horrible for this tree, but Jimin thought it was romantic anyway. Yoongi traces the J carved on the trunk with his fingers.  
“Hyung, don’t you love the snow?”  
Yoongi doesn’t respond.

 

_It took them a week to find Jimin. One cruel, agonizing week. A week where Yoongi felt his heart get ripped out and frozen over and over again. Taehyung was a sobbing mess. He kept begging Yoongi to forgive him, that they didn’t know it would get that bad._  
_Yoongi wanted to kill him, wanted to take a knife from the kitchen and stab him in the chest so Taehyung could feel what Yoongi was going through._  
_Apparently a snow storm had picked up when Jimin and Taehyung were in the middle of the mountain. Jimin thought they should go down, but Taehyung had begged him to keep going for a few more minutes. Jimin had relented, overconfident of his abilities, and they had continued. Eventually the wind got too strong and Taehyung had finally agreed to go back down. When they started to trek back down, the storm got worse. A few minutes in and they couldn’t see the track in front of them anymore._  
_A few more and Taehyung and Jimin managed to separate._  
_Taehyung, through sheer dumb luck, reached the bottom of the mountain and immediately called for help to find Jimin._  
_But the storm was relentless, and it took them a week to find Jimin._  
_Jimin, who was buried in the snow, and almost went unnoticed._  
_Jimin, who was brighter and warmer than any sunny day Yoongi had experienced._  
_Jimin, who still looked beautiful even with blue lips and black nails and frost on his eyelashes._  
_What an ironic fate, Yoongi thought._

 

“Hyung, do you want a blanket?”  
Yoongi looks up and sees Hoseok in front of him. He must have dozed off.  
Yoongi shivers as a chilly wave climbs up his spine and reaches for the offered blanket.  
“You should turn on the heat. You don’t want to get sick, do you?”  
Yoongi shrugs in response. He feels his body heat up, and desperately tries to curl closer to his chest, to his heart.  
It’s still cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Aahh my first fanfic! Thank you so much for reading it, I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
